Visions

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Phyllis Diller

1- I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

Woody Allen

2- Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.

Woody Allen

3- Everybody laughs the same in every language because laughter is a universal connection.

Yakov Smirnoff

4- Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.

Yogi Berra

5- If you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Yogi Berra

6- A great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

Walter Bagehot

7- You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.

Yogi Berra

8- My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.

Walter Matthau

9- People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.

Zig Ziglar

10- Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.

Wilhelm II

11- A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.

Zsa Zsa Gabor

12- Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

Will Rogers

13- The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.

Will Rogers

14- When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

Will Rogers

15- Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.

William James

16- A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

Winston Churchill

17- If you’re going through hell, keep going.

Winston Churchill

18- You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.

Winston Churchill

19- I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

Woody Allen

20- I hate women because they always know where things are.

Voltaire

21- It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose!

Steven Weinberg

22- A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

W. C. Fields

23- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Steven Wright

24- Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.

W. C. Fields

25- I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Steven Wright

26- If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.

W. C. Fields

27- The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Steven Wright

28- We are all here on earth to help others. What on earth the others are here for I don’t know.

W. H. Auden

29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Steven Wright

30- You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

Steven Wright
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