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1- Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.
2- Everybody laughs the same in every language because laughter is a universal connection.
3- Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.
4- If you come to a fork in the road, take it.
5- A great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
6- You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.
7- My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.
8- People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.
9- Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
10- A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.
11- Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.
12- The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.
13- When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
14- Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
15- A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
16- If you’re going through hell, keep going.
17- You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.
18- I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
19- I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
20- It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose!
21- A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
22- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
23- Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.
24- I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
25- If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.
26- The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
27- We are all here on earth to help others. What on earth the others are here for I don’t know.
28- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
29- You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
30- When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'read all