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Funny Quotes

Tired, frustrated or need to laugh? We have amazing stuff for you to laugh for sure. Check out lists of funny quotes we have for you 🙂 perfect stuff for sharing on social sharing and blogging

1- A great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

Walter Bagehot

2- My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.

Walter Matthau

3- Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.

Wilhelm II

4- Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

Will Rogers

5- The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.

Will Rogers

6- When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

Will Rogers

7- Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.

William James

8- A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

Winston Churchill

9- If you’re going through hell, keep going.

Winston Churchill

10- You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.

Winston Churchill

11- I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

Woody Allen

12- I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

Woody Allen

13- Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.

Woody Allen

14- Everybody laughs the same in every language because laughter is a universal connection.

Yakov Smirnoff

15- Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.

Yogi Berra

16- If you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Yogi Berra

17- You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.

Yogi Berra

18- People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.

Zig Ziglar

19- A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.

Zsa Zsa Gabor

20- It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose!

Steven Weinberg

21- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Steven Wright

22- I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Steven Wright

23- The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Steven Wright

24- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Steven Wright

25- You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

Steven Wright

26- When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'

Sydney J. Harris

27- The world is a globe. The farther you sail, the closer to home you are.

Terry Pratchett

28- If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.

Theodore Roosevelt

29- I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.

Thomas A. Edison

30- Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.

Thomas A. Edison

31- It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.

Thomas Sowell

32- Happiness is an imaginary condition, formerly attributed by the living to the dead, now usually attributed by adults to children, and by children to adults.

Thomas Szasz

33- I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!

Tom Lehrer

34- Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do.

Voltaire

35- I hate women because they always know where things are.

Voltaire

36- A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

W. C. Fields

37- Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.

W. C. Fields

38- If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.

W. C. Fields

39- We are all here on earth to help others. What on earth the others are here for I don’t know.

W. H. Auden

40- My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.

Rodney Dangerfield

41- We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

Rodney Dangerfield

42- I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

Ron White

43- It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?

Ronald Reagan

44- Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.

Ronald Reagan

45- Have no fear of perfection. You’ll never reach it.

Salvador Dali

46- Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.

Sam Ewing

47- A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.

Samuel Goldwyn

48- I don’t think anyone should write their autobiography until after they’re dead.

Samuel Goldwyn

49- I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.

Samuel Goldwyn

50- I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. It looks fun.

Scott Adams

51- If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?

Scott Adams

52- I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife).. but still my own.

Si Robertson

53- The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds the other fellow of a dull one.

Sid Caesar

54- Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.

Socrates

55- You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.

Solomon Schechter

56- If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.

Stan Laurel

57- Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.

Stephen Colbert

58- Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first.

Steve Irwin

59- A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Steve Martin

60- I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

61- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Redd Foxx

62- The less Holy Spirit we have, the more cake and coffee we need to keep the church going.

Reinhard Bonnke

63- If you lived with a roommate as unstable as this economic system, you would’ve moved out or demanded that your roommate get professional help.

Richard D. Wolff

64- When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life.

Richard Lewis

65- Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.

Rita Mae Brown

66- I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Rita Rudner

67- When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

Rita Rudner

68- If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.

Rob Cordry

69- I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.

Robert Benchley

70- The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

Robert Bloch

71- All my life I’ve wanted, just once, to say something clever without losing my train of thought.

Robert Breault

72- By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.

Robert Frost

73- Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.

Robert Frost

74- We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness — and call it love — true love.

Robert Fulghum

75- Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

Robert Orben

76- I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.

Robin Williams

77- Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

Robin Williams

78- I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

Rodney Dangerfield

79- I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

Rodney Dangerfield

80- If you must make a noise, make it quietly.

Oliver Hardy

81- A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.

Oliver Herford

82- Man has his will, but woman has her way.

Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.

83- Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I.

Oscar Levant

84- There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Oscar Levant

85- What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left.

Oscar Levant

86- Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

Oscar Wilde

87- Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.

Oscar Wilde

88- I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.

Oscar Wilde

89- I can resist everything except temptation.

Oscar Wilde

90- I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect.

Oscar Wilde

91- Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.

Oscar Wilde

92- Of all the things I’ve lost I miss my mind the most.

Ozzy Osbourne

93- The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

Paul Fix

94- To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

Paul R. Ehrlich

95- I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly.

Peter Cook

96- I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Phyllis Diller

97- We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Phyllis Diller

98- When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.

Prince Philip

99- Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

R. D. Laing

100- Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe.

Mark Twain

101- Do not make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans or they will treat you like dogs.

Martha Scott

102- Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.

Matt Groening

103- God is at home, it’s we who have gone out for a walk.

Meister Eckhart

104- In the past 10,000 years, humans have devised roughly 100,000 religions based on roughly 2,500 gods. So the only difference between myself and the believers is that I am skeptical of 2,500 gods whereas they are skeptical of 2,499 gods. We’re only one God away from total agreement.

Michael Shermer

105- My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

Mike Myers

106- Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Miles Kington

107- A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

Milton Berle

108- If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

Milton Berle

109- My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

Milton Berle

110- I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

Mitch Hedberg

111- I prefer someone who burns the flag and then wraps themselves up in the Constitution over someone who burns the Constitution and then wraps themselves up in the flag.

Molly Ivins

112- It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.

Muhammad Ali

113- God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.

Naguib Mahfouz

114- The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.

Natalie Wood

115- It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

Navjot Singh Sidhu

116- The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.

Nicolas Chamfort

117- When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Norm Crosby

118- As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.

Norman Wisdom

119- Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no lies.

Oliver Goldsmith

120- That’s the funny thing about life. We’re rarely aware of the bullets we dodge. The just-misses. The almost-never-happeneds. We spend so much time worrying about how the future is going to play out and not nearly enough time admiring the precious perfection of the present.

Lauren Miller

121- A man doesn’t know what he knows until he knows what he doesn’t know.

Laurence J. Peter

122- Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.

Laurence J. Peter

123- If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Lawrence Ferlinghetti

124- I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

Lily Tomlin

125- The road to success is always under construction.

Lily Tomlin

126- Until you value yourself, you won’t value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it.

M. Scott Peck

127- Don’t keep a man guessing too long – he’s sure to find the answer somewhere else.

Mae West

128- I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.

Marc Maron

129- Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard.

Margaret Culkin Banning

130- Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

Margaret Mead

131- Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

Mark Twain

132- Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Mark Twain

133- Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Mark Twain

134- I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.

Mark Twain

135- I am only human, although I regret it.

Mark Twain

136- I would have written a shorter letter, but I did not have the time.

Mark Twain

137- Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Mark Twain

138- The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.

Mark Twain

139- When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.

Mark Twain

140- It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

Jerry Seinfeld

141- Laugh a lot. It burns a lot of calories.

Jessica Simpson

142- Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.

Jim Davis

143- The simple act of opening a bottle of wine has brought more happiness to the human race than all the collective governments in the history of earth.

Jim Harrison

144- Americans are incredibly inpatient. Someone once said that the shortest period of time in America is the time between when the light turns green and when you hear the first horn honk.

Jim Rohn

145- Age is just a number. It’s totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine.

Joan Collins

146- Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?

John Barrymore

147- Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

John F. Kennedy

148- I’ve come to view Jesus much the way I view Elvis. I love the guy but the fan clubs really freak me out.

John Fugelsang

149- Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

John Hughes

150- The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still carries any reward.

John Maynard Keynes

151- Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.

John Wayne

152- If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Johnny Carson

153- Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.

Josh Billings

154- The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large.

Josh Billings

155- The secret of the demagogue is to make himself as stupid as his audience so they believe they are clever as he.

Karl Kraus

156- Life is hard. After all, it kills you.

Katharine Hepburn

157- The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.

Kin Hubbard

158- True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.

Kurt Vonnegut

159- A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Lana Turner

160- It’s a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it’s a depression when you lose yours.

Harry S. Truman

161- Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.

Helen Rowland

162- Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.

Helen Rowland

163- I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.

Henny Youngman

164- If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

Henny Youngman

165- All men are equal before fish.

Herbert Hoover

166- If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.

Hillary Clinton

167- You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try.'

Homer Simpson

168- My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was much less competition.

Indira Gandhi

169- People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

Isaac Asimov

170- I’d rather have 1% of the effort of 100 men than 100% of my own effort.

J. Paul Getty

171- My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.

Jack Benny

172- Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

Jackie Mason

173- Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.

James Thurber

174- When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.

Jane Wagner

175- Men are like shoes. Some fit better than others. And sometimes you go out shopping and there’s nothing you like. And then, as luck would have it, the next week you find two that are perfect, but you don’t have the money to buy both.”

Janet Evanovich

176- According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog.

Jay Leno

177- Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

Jay Leno

178- My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists.

Jean Rostand

179- Haters are just confused admirers because they can’t figure out the reason why everyone loves you.

Jeffree Star

180- You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.

George Burns

181- Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

George Carlin

182- I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.

George Carlin

183- I’m in shape. Round is a shape.

George Carlin

184- If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

George Carlin

185- May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

George Carlin

186- Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

George Carlin

187- One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

George Carlin

188- To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States.

George W. Bush

189- Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.

Gertrude Stein

190- A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Groucho Marx

191- Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Groucho Marx

192- Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet!

Groucho Marx

193- I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

Groucho Marx

194- I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Groucho Marx

195- If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

Groucho Marx

196- Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

Groucho Marx

197- A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.

H. L. Mencken

198- The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

Harlan Ellison

199- It’s only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames.

Harry Hill

200- Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

Elbert Hubbard

201- A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.

Eleanor Roosevelt

202- My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.

Ellen DeGeneres

203- A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Emo Philips

204- How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

Emo Philips

205- I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Emo Philips

206- Leave something for someone but dont leave someone for something.

Enid Blyton

207- Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Erma Bombeck

208- Never have more children than you have car windows.

Erma Bombeck

209- I drink to make other people more interesting.

Ernest Hemingway

210- Great art is the contempt of a great man for small art.

F. Scott Fitzgerald

211- You’re only as good as your last haircut.

Fran Lebowitz

212- Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.

Francois de La Rochefoucauld

213- Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.

Francois de La Rochefoucauld

214- I can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.

Fred Allen

215- The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

Fred Allen

216- Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it.

George Bernard Shaw

217- We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.

George Bernard Shaw

218- Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

George Burns

219- If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.

George Burns

220- Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Dave Barry

221- I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

David Lee Roth

222- Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.

David Letterman

223- The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

Demetri Martin

224- A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.

Denis Waitley

225- Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.

Desmond Morris

226- As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.

Dick Cavett

227- A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.

Don Marquis

228- The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.

Dorothy Parker

229- Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.

Doug Larson

230- To err is human; to admit it, superhuman.

Doug Larson

231- Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.

Douglas Adams

232- I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.

Douglas Adams

233- There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

Douglas Adams

234- Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.

Dr. Seuss

235- I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.

Drake

236- An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.

Dylan Thomas

237- Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

E. B. White

238- If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Earl Wilson

239- The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.

Edward Abbey

240- He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.

Charles de Gaulle

241- I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

Charles Lamb

242- Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.

Charles M. Schulz

243- By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

Charles Wadsworth

244- A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Charlie Chaplin

245- Political correctness is tyranny with manners.

Charlton Heston

246- High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.

Christopher Morley

247- If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.

Chuck Palahniuk

248- When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I’m beginning to believe it.

Clarence Darrow

249- A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'

Claude Pepper

250- They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

Clint Eastwood

251- I’m too drunk to taste this chicken.

Colonel Sanders

252- A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.'

Conan O’Brien

253- Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, ‘Jesus! This cup is expensive!'

Conan O’Brien

254- Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.

Cullen Hightower

255- If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?

Cynthia Heimel

256- If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.

Dalai Lama

257- Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

Dale Carnegie

258- Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.

Daniel J. Boorstin

259- It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.

Dave Barry

260- Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?

Benny Hill

261- Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.

Bernard Baruch

262- Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

Bertrand Russell

263- The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.

Bertrand Russell

264- Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.

Betty White

265- Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

Bill Maher

266- If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it’s another nonconformist who doesn’t conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity.

Bill Vaughan

267- Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.

Bill Vaughan

268- The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

Bill Watterson

269- Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!

Billy Connolly

270- I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

Billy Connolly

271- Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.

Billy Sunday

272- If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.

Billy Wilder

273- A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.

Bob Hope

274- Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.

Bob Thaves

275- We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

Bryan White

276- As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

Buddy Hackett

277- But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.

Carl Sagan

278- My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.

Caroline Rhea

279- All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.

Casey Stengel

280- Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

Abraham Lincoln

281- If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Abraham Lincoln

282- The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Abraham Lincoln

283- The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Al McGuire

284- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Alan Dundes

285- Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.

Albert Camus

286- Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.

Albert Einstein

287- The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.

Albert Einstein

288- All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.

Alexander Woollcott

289- War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.

Ambrose Bierce

290- It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.

Andy Borowitz

291- The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

Andy Rooney

292- At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

Ann Landers

293- If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.

Ann Landers

294- Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.

Anton Chekhov

295- I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.

Arthur C. Clarke

296- My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.

Ashleigh Brilliant

297- To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.

Ashleigh Brilliant

298- Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.

Benjamin Franklin

299- Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.

Benjamin Franklin