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1- Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
2- A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.
3- Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.
4- The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.
5- When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
6- Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
7- A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
8- If you’re going through hell, keep going.
9- You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.
10- I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
11- I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
12- Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.
13- Everybody laughs the same in every language because laughter is a universal connection.
14- Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.
15- If you come to a fork in the road, take it.
16- A great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
17- You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.
18- My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.
19- People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.
20- When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'
21- The world is a globe. The farther you sail, the closer to home you are.
22- If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.
23- I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.
24- Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.
25- It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.
26- Happiness is an imaginary condition, formerly attributed by the living to the dead, now usually attributed by adults to children, and by children to adults.
27- I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!
28- Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do.
29- I hate women because they always know where things are.
30- It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose!read all