Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Mark Twain

1- Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.

Yogi Berra

2- If you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Yogi Berra

3- A great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

Walter Bagehot

4- You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.

Yogi Berra

5- My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.

Walter Matthau

6- People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.

Zig Ziglar

7- Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.

Wilhelm II

8- A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.

Zsa Zsa Gabor

9- Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

Will Rogers

10- The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.

Will Rogers

11- When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

Will Rogers

12- Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.

William James

13- A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

Winston Churchill

14- If you’re going through hell, keep going.

Winston Churchill

15- You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.

Winston Churchill

16- I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

Woody Allen

17- I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

Woody Allen

18- Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.

Woody Allen

19- Everybody laughs the same in every language because laughter is a universal connection.

Yakov Smirnoff

20- I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Steven Wright

21- If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.

W. C. Fields

22- The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Steven Wright

23- We are all here on earth to help others. What on earth the others are here for I don’t know.

W. H. Auden

24- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Steven Wright

25- You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

Steven Wright

26- When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'

Sydney J. Harris

27- The world is a globe. The farther you sail, the closer to home you are.

Terry Pratchett

28- If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.

Theodore Roosevelt

29- I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.

Thomas A. Edison

30- Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.

Thomas A. Edison
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